Almost a year later, I finally remembered I had this blog. I guess it was too much to keep up with my other blogs.
I'm in a better place mentally and spiritually. I've moved from Las Vegas to Louisville, KY. I chose Louisville because I have one friend here and then another friend was going to be moving here sometime this year. Those plans did not work out, so he and his family will not be moving here for at least another year.
I felt abandoned at first, but quickly got over that. I'm finding my way here. While it's not "home" quite yet, I do find myself enjoying it here.
I'm more connected to the GA program here, that's for sure. I'm more involved and I feel like I've healed some old wounds from when I was living in Vegas.
A few of my friends, in and out of GA, have kept in constant contact with me, so I'm grateful for that. I rarely have a "homesick" moment anymore. I had quite a few of those when I first moved here.
Financially, I am worse off than I was when I lived in Vegas. I have struggled with finding a job here and that brought me to my knees. I've used up all of my savings and then some. I've been living paycheck to paycheck for months. I've finally gotten to a place where I'm about a month behind on my credit card bills. However, the positive of that, all of my basic needs are being met.
My rent is paid, my car payment, my car insurance, my utilities and my gas for the car, have been or will be taken care of.
I got a good job on May 19th, with the local Fire Department here. I'm working in their Administrative Services section and really like it so far. I love the Manager I work for and my two other co-workers are awesome.
That's my update for now! :)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Where I'm at
So my last post here was pretty negative and very "diseased." I'm in a better place mentally today than I was 2 months ago. Since that post, I've decided to move out of Las Vegas. This place is very unhealthy for me. Yes, I know that wherever I go, there I'll be. I'm leaving anyway and I'm taking me with.
I'm moving to San Diego, where the weather is near perfect and the area is just very calming and peaceful. San Diego feeds my soul, while Las Vegas eats away at it.
I've been chatting with someone for about 3 weeks now and we are really enjoying getting to know each other. I've had a great time getting to know him. I'd love to see it go to that next level. However, he lives in a foreign country. That makes it quite hard really. I've never been in a long distance relationship before so I really don't know what to expect, IF this moves forward. Ya know?
I was thinking about it though. If we were to fall in love, after visiting each other a few times, and we were still living so far apart, would one of us relocate? I know that I would be willing to relocate, if it got serious enough and I knew in my heart he was the one I wanted to be with.
I put myself out there so often and sometimes I get hurt for it. Why do I keep doing it? Especially when I know that I'm a commitment phobe anyway. I continuously just expose my emotions and my feelings and sometimes I get trampled on because of it. I need to find a happy medium somewhere that I don't express myself too much, but where I don't totally shut down either.
Makes sense to me.
thanks for letting me share and sorry it was just rambling.
I'm moving to San Diego, where the weather is near perfect and the area is just very calming and peaceful. San Diego feeds my soul, while Las Vegas eats away at it.
I've been chatting with someone for about 3 weeks now and we are really enjoying getting to know each other. I've had a great time getting to know him. I'd love to see it go to that next level. However, he lives in a foreign country. That makes it quite hard really. I've never been in a long distance relationship before so I really don't know what to expect, IF this moves forward. Ya know?
I was thinking about it though. If we were to fall in love, after visiting each other a few times, and we were still living so far apart, would one of us relocate? I know that I would be willing to relocate, if it got serious enough and I knew in my heart he was the one I wanted to be with.
I put myself out there so often and sometimes I get hurt for it. Why do I keep doing it? Especially when I know that I'm a commitment phobe anyway. I continuously just expose my emotions and my feelings and sometimes I get trampled on because of it. I need to find a happy medium somewhere that I don't express myself too much, but where I don't totally shut down either.
Makes sense to me.
thanks for letting me share and sorry it was just rambling.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I had a case of the fuck its a few days ago....
I’m in a very bad place mentally right now. I’ve been wandering this house since about 4pm when I got home. I worked through my lunch hour today because I have not had a GA meeting in awhile and felt I needed one. What I’m about to share is how I was feeling earlier (mostly, some still), not necessarily at this moment.
I’m so glad I did go. This house situation is sucking the life and serenity right out of me and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m so frustrated and angry I can hardly see straight.
Mom is very stressed as well and I think our stress is seeping into the other and it’s driving me batty. I can’t stand being in this house anymore.
My disease (compulsive gambling) tells me to cut and run. Go out and gamble, who gives a fuck? Cut and run ~ quit your job and move to San Diego. Then my little pee size brain cuts in and asks “What about mom?” The disease tells me she’ll be fine and move to Georgia with my brother and SIL. Fuck that.
We got into this situation together and I’m going to make sure we get out of it together. I talked to my sponsor for about an hour after the meeting this afternoon and she helped talk me down quite a bit.
This place has GOT to sell. Soon. Mom and I are going nuts. Let me rephrase that, since I can only speak for myself, *I* am going nuts. It’s taking all the serenity and peace of mind I’ve nurtured for the last 5 years and 10 months. It’s taking all of my strength to not let my disease take over and just say “fuck it.”
We’ve had several people look at this place. We’ve lowered the price several times and it’s listed at far less than #1 what we owe and #2 what it will most likely appraise at. I know it’s a buyer’s market right now. I know that the market sucks ass. I don’t give a fuck about those things, I just want this place to sell.
I want out. I want to get out of this house and have mom and I move on. I want to find a cute little rental house with a pool and enough room for mom and I to co-exist comfortably once again. I want to be able to save some money for travel in the future (I NEED to get back to NYC to see Michelle). There are so many things I want AND need out of this situation.
I need my serenity back. I need my peace of mind back. I need to get out of this house.
I’m glad I’m going back to San Diego in June. Having Lockheed down there will definitely save me money when it comes to hotel and food costs. I need to get outta town for awhile and this past weekend did not do the trick. I need some meditation time. I need some alone time. Going in the middle of the week while he’s at work will be perfect. I will be able to sit around his condo (on his balcony or inside), go to the beach (if I want too), go walk around Seaport Village (if I want too) and meditate and pray.
OK, now before anyone panics and thinks I’m losing it. Remember this is my journal. This is where I go to vent, to express myself and put it on paper (so to speak). Don’t worry, I’m NOT going to go out and gamble. I’m NOT going to say “fuck it” and run. I did have a case of the fuckits earlier today. But I don’t have that feeling right now.
I believe that it doesn’t matter how I feel, it matters what I do with those feelings. I chose to put them here instead of going out and destroying myself.
Until next time…
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
What would you do?
What would you do if your life was coming to a crashing hault?
What would you do if you realized you were becoming a liar, a thief and a cheat?
What would you do if you realized you had a problem with something and were too prideful to admit to anyone but yourself?
What would you do if you suddenly wanted to commit suicide because you had just gambled your fourth paycheck in a row?
What if you had to file bankruptcy because you had not paid a bill in 6 months?
What if you lost all self respect or self worth throughout the years of destructive living and gambling?
I was faced with all of these questions a few years ago. On July 30, 2001, I made a decision to save my life. I made the decision to do something about my problem and not look back.
I've been called stupid. I've been called an idiot and I've been told that I deserved what I got.
I don't believe any of those. I don't give a fuck what people think of me or my addiction. I'm doing something about it and I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.
Until next time....
What would you do if you realized you were becoming a liar, a thief and a cheat?
What would you do if you realized you had a problem with something and were too prideful to admit to anyone but yourself?
What would you do if you suddenly wanted to commit suicide because you had just gambled your fourth paycheck in a row?
What if you had to file bankruptcy because you had not paid a bill in 6 months?
What if you lost all self respect or self worth throughout the years of destructive living and gambling?
I was faced with all of these questions a few years ago. On July 30, 2001, I made a decision to save my life. I made the decision to do something about my problem and not look back.
I've been called stupid. I've been called an idiot and I've been told that I deserved what I got.
I don't believe any of those. I don't give a fuck what people think of me or my addiction. I'm doing something about it and I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.
Until next time....
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Blessings of the program
On July 30, 2001, when I went to my first meeting, I felt a myriad of feelings and emotions I didn't quite know what to do with. For years, I had hidden away from all of those emotions and feelings that I didn't want to have to deal with.
One thing I did know is that I belonged there. I was a compulsive gambler. I had a problem and I needed help before I let it kill me. Before I let it take over complete control of my life.
I learned in the program that I was not alone and I never had to feel the way I was feeling when I first walked into the room. I was scared, I was angry and I was lost. I did not and have not had to feel that way for over 5 years. What a blessing that is.
The GA program has given me several blessings over the years. It's given me my self-worth and self-respect back. It's given me a balance between my ego and my self-esteem.
It's given me friendships I've never known before. Truthful, loving and caring. It's given me a sense of who I really am and where I want to go from here.
It's given me the courage, serenity and wisdom to get through one day at a time and not look behind me or ahead of me.
to be continued....
One thing I did know is that I belonged there. I was a compulsive gambler. I had a problem and I needed help before I let it kill me. Before I let it take over complete control of my life.
I learned in the program that I was not alone and I never had to feel the way I was feeling when I first walked into the room. I was scared, I was angry and I was lost. I did not and have not had to feel that way for over 5 years. What a blessing that is.
The GA program has given me several blessings over the years. It's given me my self-worth and self-respect back. It's given me a balance between my ego and my self-esteem.
It's given me friendships I've never known before. Truthful, loving and caring. It's given me a sense of who I really am and where I want to go from here.
It's given me the courage, serenity and wisdom to get through one day at a time and not look behind me or ahead of me.
to be continued....
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
If I gave it all away for one thing
Much like at the Soda Stand, my post titles are going to be song lyrics. This post title brought to you by Finger 11 - One Thing
I graduated high school in 1987. I was 17 when I first graduated and then turned 18 shortly thereafter. I gambled as much as possible, at anytime I could sneak away from friends and family, I was there. I gambled until I got caught by security (thank God they didn't detain people back then - they just told us to leave). I gambled for 8 to 12 hours everytime I went and sometimes I went several days in a row.
During those years of gambling, I used to wish I would just never wake up. I could never think of physically hurting myself, but I sure prayed to God to let me die in my sleep. That was the only way out I saw. That, or I needed to make more money.
My problem had nothing to do with the way I was thinking and living, it just had to do with my lack of money. Right. That's exactly how it was.
When I walked into my first meeting in 2001, I knew I was right where I belonged. I felt comfortable and I felt that I had finally found somewhere I belonged.
to be continued....
I graduated high school in 1987. I was 17 when I first graduated and then turned 18 shortly thereafter. I gambled as much as possible, at anytime I could sneak away from friends and family, I was there. I gambled until I got caught by security (thank God they didn't detain people back then - they just told us to leave). I gambled for 8 to 12 hours everytime I went and sometimes I went several days in a row.
During those years of gambling, I used to wish I would just never wake up. I could never think of physically hurting myself, but I sure prayed to God to let me die in my sleep. That was the only way out I saw. That, or I needed to make more money.
My problem had nothing to do with the way I was thinking and living, it just had to do with my lack of money. Right. That's exactly how it was.
When I walked into my first meeting in 2001, I knew I was right where I belonged. I felt comfortable and I felt that I had finally found somewhere I belonged.
to be continued....
This is my journey
When I was a senior in high school, age 17, I ditched school one day and went up to the Sundance (now the Fitzgerald's). While at the Sundance, I got some nickels and found this little machine and sat down.
I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I would end up addicted to those machines. I never imagined those machines would possibly, one day, be my downfall.
During school, I would ditch twice a week to go gamble downtown. When I would get carded, I would tell the security guy I left it in my car in the garage. I would leave and not go back for several weeks (so they wouldn't recognize me).
After high school, I started working at Odyssey Records. After work every night, I would go gamble (illegally for 3 years). It progressed to where I was spending paychecks. I was applying for credit cards, just so I could get cash to go gamble. I pawned a lot of property and I borrowed from tons of friends and family.
to be continued....
I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I would end up addicted to those machines. I never imagined those machines would possibly, one day, be my downfall.
During school, I would ditch twice a week to go gamble downtown. When I would get carded, I would tell the security guy I left it in my car in the garage. I would leave and not go back for several weeks (so they wouldn't recognize me).
After high school, I started working at Odyssey Records. After work every night, I would go gamble (illegally for 3 years). It progressed to where I was spending paychecks. I was applying for credit cards, just so I could get cash to go gamble. I pawned a lot of property and I borrowed from tons of friends and family.
to be continued....
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